boiling point...

I reached it.

Somewhere after the fifth dropped call with the Comcast people...
somewhere after the 25 minute waiting time for the phone part of the Comcast people to come online... and then somewhere after that guy said, "well, the soonest we can have a technician come out to repair your phone will be tomorrow..." and somewhere after I said "that's totally unacceptable..." (in my Utahn imitation of the Nanny... when suddenly my call with him was dropped and nothing was finalized, nor was my "that's unacceptable..." acknowledged... then somewhere after I waited another 35 minutes on hold (at least that's the timer count that my cell phone said), and then somewhere after I got fed up with that and then redialed comcast to talk to an internet person, because at least they answer... and the nice girl named Amber was the one to tell me "well... it looks like the last guy you spoke with did schedule you for a technician to come tomorrow..." and "...it shows that you've had several dropped calls..." and somewhere after I told her I was so furious (but not at her) and that I wanted her to tell someone above her that I was totally disgusted with the waiting time that I had experienced today... then somewhere after when my husband drove up and looked at me wondering why I was pacing while talking on the phone...

after I hung up and just covered my face with my hands and locked my eyes shut.... somewhere after he came and wrapped his arms around me...

that's just about when I let go all of my tears and frustration and sobbed...

over not having a working phone and earlier working internet?

Oh come on Monica. Tell me it isn't true! Please. Don't tell me that THAT is what sent you over the edge...

I expected more from you...

Oh... yeah... and I unplugged my new modem after it's zillionth restart today, and I unplugged the backup battery... and then put it back in and plugged it back in...

and... wouldn't you know that now the phone is working, as is the internet?

Hmm... should I call back and wait on hold for who knows how long to let them know this so that they can cancel the appointment?

hahahahahaahuhuhuhuaaa.

Yesssssss.... micro or macro Monica... wanna know what you see with? Give you one guess.

on the little things...

"The straw that broke the camels back..."

On the verge of tears I sit today, in this very moment... over a little thing, that just added to the pile of the other little things neatly shaped in a pyramid in the middle of my mind.

The headache that started on Sunday and never let up, the bills that have sat awaiting the Friday payday, yet although it is now Friday and the paycheck has direct deposited, they still wait in their slot because the girl who pays them is on the verge and doesn't want to face the reality that paying them means crunching the numbers to make sure it all works... that girl... she just wants one more minute of peace to keep this breaking of herself at bay for one more moment. Then there was the poor decision to transfer our phone and succumb to the tempting "bundle" of combining with our tv & internet with our phone... lovely idea... to have both of those with the same company.. might as well add the phone too. Bad idea... the new modem that enables the new phone and the internet seems finicky, and it's only day one. Oh the verge of it all. Then the husband... he's such a wonderful man, but a perfectionist in a way, so when he came home last night after putting in 7 extra hours at the job he's not enjoying to find that the cable guy hooked up the phone in a way to "splice" the wires and place junction boxes in places that will eventually be covered by sheetrock, my husband became vexed. So vexed that he said the complicating statement, "if they can't do it right, they shouldn't do it at all..." so that only adds to the frustration that our new modem doesn't really work well. Great. Good choice to "bundle". Yes... bundle... bundle my nerves and my pounding head and nauseous stomach.

Oh... so funny this all is really.

Here I am praying for vision... wanting a clarity to see if I see macro or micro...

guess that answers that doesn't it?

haaahaaahaaa....
on the verge...
of the pile of all the little things that sit in the middle of my mind...

haaaa...

I am beginning at this very moment to find this completely hysterical.

did I mention that I've been on hold for the last 10 minutes on my cell phone to figure out what's up with my phone? oh the hilariousness of this all....

truly.

view...

How do you see? How is your vision? 20/20? Less? More?? And hindsight? How about that? Even in retrospect our vision can be measured can't it? I'm sitting with something kneading in my heart...

Do I see micro? Or do I see macro? Or do I fluctuate in between the vast range between the two? Many times I can see what others see... some view too macro... too large and grand, and they miss the little details right at the tip of their nose. While others, see things too closely and miss all that is in the larger picture before the lens finder. What puzzles me, is that I can see [read: make a perception] of what I think others can see... either micro or macro... yet I can't quite tell how I see.

Of course I'd like to say that I miss nothing... but we all know the fallacy in that. You don't know what you've missed in the micro view or macro until you reflect on it with your hindsight. And even then, is your hindsight 20/20? Or is it still dependant on your lens? Do we take in every detail from the moving picture before us? Is it even possible?

++I wish Lord to let you be the lens and filter through which I see others and the world. I pray for the vision, clarity, and scope through which You're eyes are trained to. I want to see in each problem and each occasion, with eyes of discernment and crispness. Sharpen my depth of perception, sharpen my ability to see the composition that You place in each frame. Draw my eyes in every given moment... take my vision and make it like Your own. Enable the shutter of my eyes to respond to aperture in which you set. Allow my focus to not be blurred, or Lord, blurred in only the ways in which serve You. Lend me Your vision Lord... show me where Jesus is living all around me... in others, through others, and for others. Sharpen my senses and my perceptions, surround me and engulf me with all that You are...++

aware...

Heaven on earth... is so totally HERE. It's really all around me and helping to keep my shoulders back and my head up. Isn't it funny that truly at times your perspective can be such that you don't look for it? Or, maybe you look for it, but you don't attribute that it is what it is. It's a powerful stance really, to glance about and search the landscape of your life, as it moves through one minute to the next... and see where heaven is all around you. It's in others, in the laughs, in motives, in movements, in connection, in hearts that reach out to others in anguish or torment. It's really all around... living... breathing... walking... touching... His hands, His feet, are amongst us, and bringing the reality of heaven to earth.

I'm breathing in heaven... it smells like today and today is ours, while tomorrow is promised to no one. Today... I am trying to be present in the heaven on earth.

mind racing...

Continual thinking.... it's what my mind is doing. Constantly going, buzzing, jumping from thought to question to plotting solution, on to new thought, question, different solution, etc. I'm learning a new program on the computer, Adobe InDesign CS2 for a newsletter that I'm doing. My mind is just continually going... like the annoying fuzzy pink Energizer bunny. Learning something new is a challenge, especially when I have a picture in my head of what I want this project to look like, but I'm not quite skilled enough in figuring out (quickly) how to get it as such. It's where I'm at in this instant... mind racing with things I'm learning, as well as questions to which I have to hunt down the answer.

Yet... in the same moment, my heart is so aching for some acquaintances who have just experienced a devistating loss... my heart grieves with them, from the sideline view that I hold.

And my heart also is holding it's breath as another set of aquaintances await some definite medical answers for something that seems very frightening... I'm holding my breath in prayer for God's intervention into their life in this moment.

This is a glimpse of me in this moment... so many stirrings...