whole...

The Christmas season is upon is... with it's visit comes pressure. I feel the weight of so much right now...

Did Mary feel the heaviness too? The culmination of so many expecations and unknowns... just pressing in on her? I imagine her in the night when I wake up between little catnaps resulting from my unrest... I wonder if she awoke a lot during the night, reminded of the weight upon her with the Savior in her womb. She had a tangible weight... while mine is nearly invisable to the untrained eye.

It's still there, regardless... and I can feel it.

My eyes are searching for joy...
busy searching and searching...
and finding bits of it hidden away here or there...

and yet many things threaten to rise up and gobble me whole.
WHOLE I tell you...
totally in one gulp, without chewing.