updated my other blog... did you see?
http://vegetableswithlove.wordpress.com/

new blog location...

I used to blog more... quite literally every day. Then one day, I dried up and blew away in the wind. I've recommitted myself to blogging a few times in the past, but again, I've dried up and blown away.

I've imported my old posts (from my days at Typepad), as well as these meager Blogger entries over to my new blog using WordPress.com.... come over and visit me there... same name... just a little differnt.

NEW BLOG: vegetables with love... at WordPress.

hugs,
m

Note to self...

OOO! This is pretty...Autumn Bouquet Blackbird Designs. This would be a fun one to do.

Rejoice Always Rejoice...

I just completed this La-D-Da pattern, Rejoice Always Rejoice... it's so pretty. I did this with some thread changes that Shepherd's Bush had, on a beautiful olive colored linen. This photo doesn't do it justice. It's so yummy. When last I was at Shepherd's Bush I picked out some plum colored linen and some complimenting flosses to do this same stitchery in plums, for some reason I'm hungry to stitch on this beautiful colored linen. The colors I had significant help picking (read: Tina Richards Herman picked them all) are WDW Eggplant for the lettering and the border (which I'm not sure if I'll do the border on this piece), I also have WDW Kudzu for the vine, and WDW Purple Haze and another pretty light colored lavender Limited Edition GA Thread, both to be used for the buds on the flowers... they should all be beautiful together.

Last night I began the sister to Emmanuel's Song (see last post), titled Angel's Song (pattern seen here)... it is going to be fun! I wonder how long it will take me.... given that Spring is approaching and that yard work awaits. Not to mention the other little stitcheries that I'm doing in the meantime... like two of these little Wee One's by Heart in Hand. One is for Adair's 2nd Grade teacher, and the other is for Alec's Kindergarten teacher. I've got one done already (pictured), and the other is half way... the apple is all filled in.

Anyway... I'm off to stitch... I spent the day organizing (something which I have little desire or talent to do) the kids toys and closets. Ugh. What a chore. I really must be better at this, or they will likely grow up and be just as horrible at it as I am. This was from the beginning of the sorting process... only clearing out what was found lurking under Alec's bottom bunk. My word, it's amazing how much stuff he can shove under there when I'm not looking.

recent project completed...

I finally finished! I started this piece, titled Emmanuels Song, in the fall of 2006, and I just finished in Feb. of 2008, and got it back from the framer on Saturday. I haven't worked on this non-stop mind you, it's been a piece that I pick up and set down for weeks at a time... in the midst of it, I have started and completed other projects (photos to come), but this has been one that I have slowly and steadily made progress on.

I am giving this as a gift to my brother and his wife... it was origionally inteneded as a Christmas gift, but little did I know how long it would take me to complete. Now that I have it done, there is no way that I will wait until this next Christmas to give it to them, so I will be sending it this week! I'm so excited.


It's interesting that when I am stitching I am transported into this realm of prayer that is unique and unmatched at other times of the day or hour. When I begin a project with someone particular in mind as it's recipeint, it's as though with every movement of the needle, my heart is taking them to God in prayers of both praise and petition over their lives, and over God Himself at work in them. I'm so thrilled to be done with this, and now I am looking to see what new project to begin in it's place. I have numerous, but I seem to be taking my time in deciding.


This was a labor of love...

Stitching Kit including Linen, floss, and 18 page pattern: $68

Framing the piece: $100

Time Spent Stitching: Countless - over the span of a year and a half

Giving a handmade gift to a couple I love dearly: Priceless.

what keeps me away from you?

I used to blog regularly... what happened? I used to love to journal my feelings, but now I find that I don't... so did my feelings leave me, or did I leave me, or did neither of the above happen and my ability to express myself in words just expired one day? Interesting, peculiar.... and quite frankly, sad.

Today I am here...
I'm alive and well...
still kicking and laughing, and occasionally screaming.

Sometimes I wonder if I know me anymore...
other times I feel sad that I know me all to well.

Today, I am here...
I am alive and well...
I really would like to try to express myself more here...

I don't know quite why I don't....
I think I forget what I could say, or what I want to say, or maybe I worry that I'm making up all that I end up saying.

But... you know what?
Today, I am here...

hi me...
hi you...
*waving inside my heart to myself that is me*

whole...

The Christmas season is upon is... with it's visit comes pressure. I feel the weight of so much right now...

Did Mary feel the heaviness too? The culmination of so many expecations and unknowns... just pressing in on her? I imagine her in the night when I wake up between little catnaps resulting from my unrest... I wonder if she awoke a lot during the night, reminded of the weight upon her with the Savior in her womb. She had a tangible weight... while mine is nearly invisable to the untrained eye.

It's still there, regardless... and I can feel it.

My eyes are searching for joy...
busy searching and searching...
and finding bits of it hidden away here or there...

and yet many things threaten to rise up and gobble me whole.
WHOLE I tell you...
totally in one gulp, without chewing.

heart's desire...

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”- Romans 12:12

good grief...

There is something entirely wrong with this.
I have never heard of anything so absurd.

in search of my mustard seeds...

Messy thoughts in my mind today... so much clutter and caca swirling around. It seems I sometimes find myself in a battle to just find how to access and live out the fruit of the Spirit...

love
joy
peace
patience
kindness
goodness
gentleness
self-control

it's a beautiful list, and definitely something I desire to have in abundance... but in this miniscule part of today, I just sense I'm not quite tapping into the full potential. These very things, the fruit of the Spirit, are weapons to dispel their opposite counterparts... so in reality their impact is huge and limitless! But why is it then, that I have days in which accessing them seems nearly impossible. I realize I'm promised that nothing shall be impossible if I have faith the size of a mustard seed? Where are all my mustard seeds today? Where is even one mustard seed?

I know there here somewhere in my heart... I've run my hands through them before, and even held one between my thumb and index finger and closely examined it... yet right now, I find that some of my fruit, namely peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control are hard to realize the presence of.



A single mustard seed grew into this

just amazing. About the only fruit I can touch today is love... I feel like it's the only one I possess... as for the others, I feel quite poor in Spirit. Is it really true that when I am weak, then I am strong? I don't feel strength, only an echo of where it and peace could be... in my heart right now I feel the bones in my knees against the floor as I seek out God in this.

I think I might go dive into the spice cabinet and dig out a mustard seed and carry it around in my pocket...

++God... I'm hoping you have something to share with me today... thank you for searching me, even though it seems to hurt... turn on your Light within me and reveal Your glory and will. I fear not bearing my weaknesses, for I know I can cling to You. Use my weakness and lack to bring forth that you are the I AM.++

see?...

Stay-at-Home- Mom's work found to be worth $134,121.

So... will this period in my life look good on my resume or what?

hunger and fullness...

Last year I in January, I started Weight Watchers... I was successful for a time in losing about 17 lbs by June-ish... but then we moved, life got hectic, and I got sidetracked. I love food... all kinds of food... it is all a comfort to me somehow, and I think also a good distraction to me when I want to avoid the other things I could find if I set it aside for a moment to find if my hunger is a real hunger or if it is just a pseudo hunger masking some other desire or longing.

After we moved and the craziness of life, I slowly put back most of the 17 lbs. I origionally lost. Each little pound came on so gradually, and although I knew what was happening, I resigned myself to it, and I dare say enjoyed myself with food while it occured. I'm tall, 5'11" fortunately, so I can carry it (hide it) a little easier than others, but in time, it still reveals itself when I sat down and the roll at my waist appeared.

So... a couple weeks ago, I began what worked for me again... Weight Watchers. I've dropped 6.8 lbs. by yesterday weigh in. Already I'm feeling better. Picking up a 5 lb. bag of sugar or flour shows me a visual of what I've lost. It's hard to realize until you get a visual picture like that.

Last year when I tried, I didn't set too many goals for myself... or I should say I kept my goals pretty loose. Quite interesting. Loose goals have a way of loosening themselves even farther if you don't put a lot of intention on reaching them. This year I'm committing to reaching the healthy weight for my height and build... 165-170 lbs. here I come.

And... I have to intention to stay there once I arrive. That's the other part that I learned with my failure in keeping what I had lost off. Interesting. I'm not fond of admitting to myself many things I think... orrrr, maybe I am quite fond of it and somewhere internally I beat myself over the head with it until I give up and relent and call it quits.

Quitting is a response to denial about a lot of things. Denial is a comfort mechanism. Food for me is a comfort mechanism. Now, I am realizing that I can choose to come to face God as my Comfort... all the time.... even in the midst of a busy day where I'm flying to and fro and I seek solice in a cookie or two. God desires to be to me much more than just a cookie... I know He desires to bring me a fullness like no other.... the choice is mine to seek it. Relentlessly. As He seeks me.

Yes... this time I have goals. I'm working on them... and so far, I am experiencing it all... it is good.

++God... be my fullness, and let me recieve your fullness completely. Find and reveal the places in me where I seek other comforts instead of you... help me to effectively replace those with food from your Spirit, which will conquer any hunger pang that sweeps across my ever churning mind. Help me to be present and less mindless over the possibilities that you have for me. Thank you Daddy... so much. I'm yours...++

soil conditions or opportunity?...

In beginning my garden this year, we had much prep work to do... this house when we bought it last year had a yard full of weeds. I kid you not, up to my thigh. Bindweed, Morning Glory, and Dandylions, to name only a few. On a .41 acre lot... that's indeed a lot of weeds.

Anyway, after all the yard work last year, planting trees, shrubs, installing the new sprinkler system, and no lawn, the warming temps of spring have brought to life the weeds that have long been dead and burried. The seeds left over from last year are finding their way out of hiding and emerging into bloom... EVERYWHERE.

I assumed our soil was quite awful, as the previous owners of this house had done nothing to maintain it's health... I mean, nothing pretty was alive, just weeds, and weeds don't need a thing to grow as it seems.

It has me reflecting on where the weed seeds are planted in the soil of my own heart or life, that only take a moment or two of sunlight or a drop or two of rain (aka: opportunity) to sprout? Some brief seedlings I suspect stay hidden until the opportunity are: doubts in God, doubts in myself and God's unique purposes in me, bitterness towards others/unforgiveness, complacency... etc. etc. etc. How often do we know the seed is there? I'd imagine that it's not until we see it emerge and sprout that we will acknowledge it's existance. Afterall, out of sight is so easily translated into out of mind. haha.

The soil is fertile enough for weeds to grow... only thing needed are favorable conditions and opportunity, right?

Thankfully for the weeds in my yard I'm armed with a spray that promises to kill all the way to the roots.

Time for some inner reflection of where I am harboring seeds within the soil of my heart... or worse where the seeds have sprouted and sent roots down to the abyss for longevity.

++God... search me again and again and know my ways, watch the soil of my heart for where you and I can tend it together and maintain it's health. Plant crops and crops within me of your very love and mercy so that I may grow the fruit of the Spirit. Search my heart, show me, grow me, and lead me in Your ways, Your truth, and in Your love. Thank you Father... in Jesus' name... amen.++

interrupting...

My little boy today said the most brilliant thing.....

Alec: "Mommy?"
Me: "Yes, honey?"
Alec: "We should listen to God!" "Right?" as if to make sure I agreed with his thought...
Me: "Yes, we should... He's talking to us all the time..." I'm lovin' Alec's observation and his heart to remember this all... when he breaks in with the most brilliant reminder...
Alec: "Yep, He is... but sometimes we interrupt Him."

so so true...
so so true...

++God... thank you for still speaking to me even though I interrupt you constantly with my own insignificant questions, ideas, and complaints. Please grow me into an adult who can stay tuned into your Voice and your whispers into my life... I'm desperate to grow out of this phase of seemingly short attention spans to what you're trying to teach me, and where you might be trying to lead me deeper. Thank you Father... thank you... again and again.++

being here...

Being in the present is something I've been working on as of late. I find I'm regularly asking myself "Am I in the here and now?" and depending on the answer, I usually have to shift some priorities and retrain my thoughts so that I am. I have missed some things over the last few years, because I am off somewhere else in my mind. When I'm with my children, I sometimes am a world away in my mind... I'm off on a journey inside my heart digging with a spade to see what's under this layer, or I'm trying to wade through the fog that has settled on this other expanse of my heart, WHILE I'm trying to be a mom... doing the mom things, making lunch, listening to their stories, and WHILE I'm answering their questions about life. How can I be somewhere else, WHILE I'm being asked to be present? Why the distance between the here and now, to the place that I can get lost in (my thoughts). Being present is a truely awe inspiring thing... as I learn to do it more and more, I find myself awaken to my senses being more stimulated than I realized was possible. The birds chirp louder, the kids laugh is more infectious, and the sting of saddness for what I've lost to the times I've failed to be in the here and now, more painful.

Interesting it is...

the here and now...

in today...

if I journey away from it and into somewhere else and into the caverns of my mind and heart... I sense I'm missing so much of what God is revealing to me.

I wonder if I don't have to really dig to figure stuff out, but that the more I am present in the here and now, in the present reality, then, THEN, the figuring out of stuff with just unfold in it's own sweet time.

Here and now...

here and now...

I'm in the here and now...

boiling point...

I reached it.

Somewhere after the fifth dropped call with the Comcast people...
somewhere after the 25 minute waiting time for the phone part of the Comcast people to come online... and then somewhere after that guy said, "well, the soonest we can have a technician come out to repair your phone will be tomorrow..." and somewhere after I said "that's totally unacceptable..." (in my Utahn imitation of the Nanny... when suddenly my call with him was dropped and nothing was finalized, nor was my "that's unacceptable..." acknowledged... then somewhere after I waited another 35 minutes on hold (at least that's the timer count that my cell phone said), and then somewhere after I got fed up with that and then redialed comcast to talk to an internet person, because at least they answer... and the nice girl named Amber was the one to tell me "well... it looks like the last guy you spoke with did schedule you for a technician to come tomorrow..." and "...it shows that you've had several dropped calls..." and somewhere after I told her I was so furious (but not at her) and that I wanted her to tell someone above her that I was totally disgusted with the waiting time that I had experienced today... then somewhere after when my husband drove up and looked at me wondering why I was pacing while talking on the phone...

after I hung up and just covered my face with my hands and locked my eyes shut.... somewhere after he came and wrapped his arms around me...

that's just about when I let go all of my tears and frustration and sobbed...

over not having a working phone and earlier working internet?

Oh come on Monica. Tell me it isn't true! Please. Don't tell me that THAT is what sent you over the edge...

I expected more from you...

Oh... yeah... and I unplugged my new modem after it's zillionth restart today, and I unplugged the backup battery... and then put it back in and plugged it back in...

and... wouldn't you know that now the phone is working, as is the internet?

Hmm... should I call back and wait on hold for who knows how long to let them know this so that they can cancel the appointment?

hahahahahaahuhuhuhuaaa.

Yesssssss.... micro or macro Monica... wanna know what you see with? Give you one guess.

on the little things...

"The straw that broke the camels back..."

On the verge of tears I sit today, in this very moment... over a little thing, that just added to the pile of the other little things neatly shaped in a pyramid in the middle of my mind.

The headache that started on Sunday and never let up, the bills that have sat awaiting the Friday payday, yet although it is now Friday and the paycheck has direct deposited, they still wait in their slot because the girl who pays them is on the verge and doesn't want to face the reality that paying them means crunching the numbers to make sure it all works... that girl... she just wants one more minute of peace to keep this breaking of herself at bay for one more moment. Then there was the poor decision to transfer our phone and succumb to the tempting "bundle" of combining with our tv & internet with our phone... lovely idea... to have both of those with the same company.. might as well add the phone too. Bad idea... the new modem that enables the new phone and the internet seems finicky, and it's only day one. Oh the verge of it all. Then the husband... he's such a wonderful man, but a perfectionist in a way, so when he came home last night after putting in 7 extra hours at the job he's not enjoying to find that the cable guy hooked up the phone in a way to "splice" the wires and place junction boxes in places that will eventually be covered by sheetrock, my husband became vexed. So vexed that he said the complicating statement, "if they can't do it right, they shouldn't do it at all..." so that only adds to the frustration that our new modem doesn't really work well. Great. Good choice to "bundle". Yes... bundle... bundle my nerves and my pounding head and nauseous stomach.

Oh... so funny this all is really.

Here I am praying for vision... wanting a clarity to see if I see macro or micro...

guess that answers that doesn't it?

haaahaaahaaa....
on the verge...
of the pile of all the little things that sit in the middle of my mind...

haaaa...

I am beginning at this very moment to find this completely hysterical.

did I mention that I've been on hold for the last 10 minutes on my cell phone to figure out what's up with my phone? oh the hilariousness of this all....

truly.

view...

How do you see? How is your vision? 20/20? Less? More?? And hindsight? How about that? Even in retrospect our vision can be measured can't it? I'm sitting with something kneading in my heart...

Do I see micro? Or do I see macro? Or do I fluctuate in between the vast range between the two? Many times I can see what others see... some view too macro... too large and grand, and they miss the little details right at the tip of their nose. While others, see things too closely and miss all that is in the larger picture before the lens finder. What puzzles me, is that I can see [read: make a perception] of what I think others can see... either micro or macro... yet I can't quite tell how I see.

Of course I'd like to say that I miss nothing... but we all know the fallacy in that. You don't know what you've missed in the micro view or macro until you reflect on it with your hindsight. And even then, is your hindsight 20/20? Or is it still dependant on your lens? Do we take in every detail from the moving picture before us? Is it even possible?

++I wish Lord to let you be the lens and filter through which I see others and the world. I pray for the vision, clarity, and scope through which You're eyes are trained to. I want to see in each problem and each occasion, with eyes of discernment and crispness. Sharpen my depth of perception, sharpen my ability to see the composition that You place in each frame. Draw my eyes in every given moment... take my vision and make it like Your own. Enable the shutter of my eyes to respond to aperture in which you set. Allow my focus to not be blurred, or Lord, blurred in only the ways in which serve You. Lend me Your vision Lord... show me where Jesus is living all around me... in others, through others, and for others. Sharpen my senses and my perceptions, surround me and engulf me with all that You are...++

aware...

Heaven on earth... is so totally HERE. It's really all around me and helping to keep my shoulders back and my head up. Isn't it funny that truly at times your perspective can be such that you don't look for it? Or, maybe you look for it, but you don't attribute that it is what it is. It's a powerful stance really, to glance about and search the landscape of your life, as it moves through one minute to the next... and see where heaven is all around you. It's in others, in the laughs, in motives, in movements, in connection, in hearts that reach out to others in anguish or torment. It's really all around... living... breathing... walking... touching... His hands, His feet, are amongst us, and bringing the reality of heaven to earth.

I'm breathing in heaven... it smells like today and today is ours, while tomorrow is promised to no one. Today... I am trying to be present in the heaven on earth.

mind racing...

Continual thinking.... it's what my mind is doing. Constantly going, buzzing, jumping from thought to question to plotting solution, on to new thought, question, different solution, etc. I'm learning a new program on the computer, Adobe InDesign CS2 for a newsletter that I'm doing. My mind is just continually going... like the annoying fuzzy pink Energizer bunny. Learning something new is a challenge, especially when I have a picture in my head of what I want this project to look like, but I'm not quite skilled enough in figuring out (quickly) how to get it as such. It's where I'm at in this instant... mind racing with things I'm learning, as well as questions to which I have to hunt down the answer.

Yet... in the same moment, my heart is so aching for some acquaintances who have just experienced a devistating loss... my heart grieves with them, from the sideline view that I hold.

And my heart also is holding it's breath as another set of aquaintances await some definite medical answers for something that seems very frightening... I'm holding my breath in prayer for God's intervention into their life in this moment.

This is a glimpse of me in this moment... so many stirrings...

finding a voice...

I'm not sure how I lost it, or how I gave it away... or even if I just left it somewhere and misplaced it... but I'm quite sure I lost my voice. My expression or language just left me somehow, or I left it... and now I'm curious as to what I can do to regain it. Can I reconnect with the hidden parts of me where my voice still whispers? I'm not sure.... I mean I'm sure it's possible, but I'm not sure if those voices want to be heard. I think with my last blog I realized outwardly that others were listening and then I suddenly became more aware of how strange my voice sounded, or worse I tried to supplant myself in the ear of a spectator to see how it sounded, and all I could hear was the sound of what your voice sounds like on tape recording, where you think to yourself, "I SOUND LIKE THAT?!?" and you follow that with "THAT'S NOT MY VOICE!", and the realization of "eeew. Turn it off. Just quit that annoying sound!"

So, I'm at a point where I'm contemplative over can I express again? Can I do it without caring what my voice sounds like to others ears, and instead just center on what it feels like to hear my thoughts while resting in my own skin? I like being free to say and feel and think out loud... but I remember the regret to of commiting to something, even if it is as little as writing it down somewhere, where it becomes visually permanent. Logging a thought into permanence, even though two minutes from now I move on and change and shift... how can I live comfortably knowing that at one point and time I thought out words and expression of something that I afterwards and in another season, I will feel differently from, and moved on from. How can journaling the thought and the progression away from it, or deeper beyond it, coexist? I know they can, and they do inside me all day every day... but somehow the journaling of it, makes it more concrete, where as at least with my mind, I find that they fade away into the vast chasm of me. Somehow that's more humane than leaving them sitting out there in a cyber journal to collect with other older thoughts that were moved on from.

hmmm... do I have a lot to say? Do I even like Blogger? Is this where I want to say whatever it is I say? Does it matter? I'm not sure... maybe I just need to first focus on what the whispers are saying and if I can hear them.

I hope that once I listen to them a bit more, they'll rise in their decibel so I don't have to strain and focus so hard to hear them.

This world is not all about me... I am so thankful for that.

out loud...

Did I really say that out loud "we'll see how things go?"

Yeah... I did. And sure enough... we can see how things go, can't we? NOWHERE! They stayed absolutely in the space of good intention, yet they didn't walk themselves out into a reality of space and time.

No worries... everyday is a new day, a new dawn, right?
Yes, right.

Feeling contemplative today... over nothing in particular, just lots of things all mixed into a salad of thoughts...

another first...

I've blogged before, but somehow fell out of the joy of it... don't know exactly what happened or why... but I am starting again. I have several things to journal out... we'll see how it goes.